Sunday, November 8, 2009

I Am Afraid

I am afraid.  Maybe if I say it out loud and type it plainly then I can master my fear.  Yet I still feel afraid.  I'm not afraid for my physical well-being in the sense that I'm afraid I'm going to get shot or raped or anything, but a change needs to me made in my life that I'm terrified of making.

This really comes out because I had a long talk with a friend who I haven't really been in contact with.  She's exploring various aspects of Paganism and Wicca, but that really isn't the point.  The point is: the girl has had a lot of experiences I haven't.  Right now I'm trying to decide how best to go about cutting all ties with a person who I've been involved with for well over a year now.  And I'm positively terrified.

People have no right to control who I am, who I see/associate with or what I do.  He has this peculiar power over me that I give (or rather, gave) him for some odd reason.  I feel like now is the time (because I've been putting it off) to make the decision to cut ties and throw myself into it wholly.  Being a wuss and "thinking we can still be friends" or "thinking I can have a relationship with someone else while he's in my life" is flat out dumb and utterly impossible.

Why do I feel the need to dedicate time and energy to a person who gives me so little in return?  Why have I devoted myself to someone who seems to have so little affection for me?  I'm not worthless and I shouldn't have to defend myself on the most basic of issues.  Yet I am still gripped by fear, and I hope that I can rally the courage to make this decision.  I have confidence in the wisdom of those wiser than me and in my growing feelings of dissatisfaction.  The fear lingers, and I hope to soon master it.

So I 've taken some time to collect myself and think about how I've been feeling.  Fear is a really gripping emotion that I don't often feel and I think that, to an extent, magical practice or spirituality can be a great source of stability and comfort.

That is not to say that magic can allay all of our fears and make the world all sunshine and rainbows, as any semi-experienced witch will tell you.  Magic can, however, ground us deeply and provide a means through which we can seek the courage to overcome our fears.  In this respect it is like any belief system or practice... but extremely meaningful to the people who are a part of it.

Having the support of my friends and family is extremely important, and having that magical support is just an added bonus.


  1. Fear is a natural reaction. We may not understand it, but admitting that we are so is a very large step.

    You are a great person. You deserve so much better than he gives you.

    I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that the whole ordeal goes well. i will pray for you and send you all the warmest and best thoughts. you know I stand behind you and that I am here for you. I will be a rock for you to stand if you so need one.

  2. I really do appreciate that. I know you've always been there for me, and it scares me how quick I was to push you and everyone else away... It's such a serious situation and a huge part of me wants to make this change and leave him behind for things that are so much better for me.

    But that part of me, as big as it may be now, becomes like a scared little animal whenever I talk to him. His mere presence has such a powerful affect on me, and that in and of itself is frightening.

    I may add some stuff to the post once I've slept of this initial unease and marshaled my thoughts a bit more. I thank you for the promptness of your response and your overwhelming support. I'm getting it from other places too, and think that I may have to make a few phone calls to some other people (like my sister) to get their reads on my situation...

  3. Believe me I understand that scared animal thing. I have a similar response with someone in my life, and I know how terrible it can feel.

    Do not give up hope. You have an army standing behind you

  4. Hold your amulet close. It has helped me so much this past week. We did a good job with charging them and i think that it could lend even more support to you.

  5. That's a good idea. I really didn't think I could need it so soon after Samhain...

  6. Yeah neither did I. but it has come in handy I must admit.

  7. shitty things would happen to both of us right after we part ways... At least we have technologically advanced forms of communication to keep each other informed. XD